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Author Topic: A laugh for today  (Read 2881 times)

Decado

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A laugh for today
« on: July 08, 2013, 10:27:21 pm »
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were
going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed
herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!  :D
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iPWN

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Re: A laugh for today
« Reply #1 on: July 08, 2013, 11:58:27 pm »
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!

That remember's me another one:

There are two doing some duck hunt. They are shooting around, and then bang! One goes down.
Both went to see their new prize, and start to discuss because both think they've shoot that poor duck.
One of them suggests a challenge to get the bird:
- "A kick in the ballz! If you endure it, you win the duck. But I go first!"
So, the other one prepares, relax, breathes, and the other one kicks him. The other one, inmediately gets to the floor twisting around and crying a lot.
After some minutes, he gets up:
- "Ok! Now it's my turn!".
And the other answers:
- Bah! That much trouble for a stupid duck? Keep it.



Disclaimer: I've never told a joke, and even less in English. Sorry if I failed xD

Decado

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Re: A laugh for today
« Reply #2 on: July 09, 2013, 02:40:26 am »
LOL!

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got
downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!

I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves
breakfast until 11:30.
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Astrowaves

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Re: A laugh for today
« Reply #3 on: July 09, 2013, 10:54:02 am »
LOL!

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got
downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!

I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves
breakfast until 11:30.

Had to read that twice to get it. It was really funny once I understood it  :P
It is better to step on your nade "accidently" than to let it blow up in your hand.

Decado

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Re: A laugh for today
« Reply #4 on: July 09, 2013, 11:27:42 am »
The subtle ones are always the funniest I think :)

I will warn you some of my jokes are not politically correct, I'm not terribly "P.C." as a person, it tend to get in the way of being funny ...BUT... I do poke fun at all minorities equally (including my own lol) so I'm an "equal opportunity offender :D

Regards
Dec
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|pnoy|s.u.p.o.t.

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Re: A laugh for today
« Reply #5 on: July 11, 2013, 03:41:43 am »
My father’s secretary was visibly distraught one morning when she arrived at the office and explained that her children’s parrot had escaped from his cage and flown out an open window. Of all the dangers the tame bird would face outdoors alone, she seemed most concerned about what would happen if the bird started talking.

Confused, my father asked what the parrot could say.

"Well," she explained, "he mostly says, ‘Here, kitty, kitty.’ "

Decado

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Re: A laugh for today
« Reply #6 on: July 11, 2013, 10:48:37 am »
^  LOL :O)


A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises,  two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'
'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle . We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'

'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny.
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife,

'Hey, this looks like yours!''

'I don't remember much after that'
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|pnoy|s.u.p.o.t.

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Re: A laugh for today
« Reply #7 on: July 11, 2013, 01:07:54 pm »
LOOOLLLL :D

Decado

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Re: A laugh for today
« Reply #8 on: August 08, 2013, 05:16:47 am »
« Last Edit: August 08, 2013, 05:20:10 am by Decado »
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iPWN

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Re: A laugh for today
« Reply #9 on: August 08, 2013, 11:23:39 am »
Direct link to try to embed it :D

Star Wars Downunder Trailer

Decado

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Re: A laugh for today
« Reply #10 on: August 23, 2013, 01:11:54 am »
Reasons for Sensitivity Training for Men:

 
* I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

 
* The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Kathy.

 
* Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

 
* My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

 
* The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

 
* A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

 
* My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
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iPWN

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Re: A laugh for today
« Reply #11 on: August 23, 2013, 01:31:59 am »
LOL!
They are good!

But tbh, I don't get a couple of them u_u hehe :$

#(Near)

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Re: A laugh for today
« Reply #12 on: August 23, 2013, 09:19:14 am »
Loooooooool

But Dec, we have under-18 members don't we? x)

Near

Decado

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Re: A laugh for today
« Reply #13 on: August 23, 2013, 10:08:22 am »
People under the age of 40 shouldn't be allowed to play violent video games :P  LOL
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Cookie

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Re: A laugh for today
« Reply #14 on: August 24, 2013, 09:01:57 am »
just had to share... i have great respect for this guy :D

i hate people...

iPWN

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Re: A laugh for today
« Reply #15 on: August 24, 2013, 11:04:11 am »
OMFG!!!!
Hahahaha! That one is so funny!

I didn't thought you can do all these things in a store :D

Decado

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Re: A laugh for today
« Reply #16 on: September 30, 2013, 08:23:29 am »
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Did you ever stop and wonder......

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'

Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on......

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?   

Regards
Dec
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Astrowaves

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Re: A laugh for today
« Reply #17 on: September 30, 2013, 10:27:50 am »
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Tough one for me, any ideas guys?  :P
It is better to step on your nade "accidently" than to let it blow up in your hand.

Decado

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Re: A laugh for today
« Reply #18 on: September 30, 2013, 10:49:26 am »
Mrs Dec lol'd at that one (I'm suprised she remembers)
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iPWN

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Re: A laugh for today
« Reply #19 on: September 30, 2013, 01:47:48 pm »
Hahahaha

These ones were really funny. And interesting too.
Now I need vacations in a relaxed place to think about this n_n

[DSG]Durandal

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Re: A laugh for today
« Reply #20 on: October 01, 2013, 02:07:36 am »
...

* Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?
He found his father's cabin with pictures and a knife that he learned to use to shave in the original novel.

* Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Because the connections in remotes works by bridging a circuit gap with a conductive material on a flexible backing. Pressing harder makes the connection more reliable due to surface area of the conductive materials.

* Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Because they can't legally take any other action yet. If they could screw us over more, they would.

* Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
To ensure they made it to their location, and as a matter of uniform pride.

*Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Observable phenomena are easily tested, where as abstract phenomena are beyond our scope. Also, wet paint affects us directly and immediately.

* Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
It's a linguistic truncation from the Old English word "awlyspian".

* What is the speed of darkness?
299,792,458 m/s

* Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?
That IS how I sleep.

* If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
Assuming 0 as celcius... twice as cold would be -136.58 C

* Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
Statistically speaking, married people average longer lifespans, especially married males.

* How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Hard to say. They happened at nearly the same time. Moonlanding in July 1969, first wheels on luggage sometime in early 1970.

* Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
The binoculars are there to see things at a distance across the landscale... people that would look down are just stupid.

* Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'
It's pretty easy observational science to make the corelation between two nursing animals.

* Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'
Probably the first guy that saw a fox steal a bird egg from a nest.

* Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
The high setting isn't made for the crappy white bread most toaster owners buy. Things like english muffins and bagels require the higher heat due to different moisture levels.

* Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
I have seen many freezers with lightbulbs.

* Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Social moires.

* Why does your Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Laws.

* Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !
Same reason he can't speak.

* If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Quizzes aren't quizzical. Quizzical means "causing mild amusement due to strangeness".

* If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
Vegetable oil is usually made from soybeans actually. Baby oil is made from petroleum distillates. Petroleum is fossilized animals. So there you go.

* If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Morality has to do with a specific set of ideals that control behavior, specifically good behavior. Intellectually deficient individuals often do not behave well, so you could easily make a connection there if you wanted. The root words come from greek and latin respectively though and don't share a root etymology, so probably not.

* Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Both songs share the melody of a French folk song "Ah! Vous dirai-je, Maman", which predates both of them by quite a bit. Someone just thought it sounded good and used it.

* Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
There is not quanta for the effect of Alphabet Soup that I am aware of, but I doubt most people reflect on the meaning of the letters as they eat anyway. I doubt most people even KNOW the origins and full meaning of most of the letters in the alphabet.

* Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
You need to brush your teeth more.

* Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
No, but pushing the floor and the "door close" button simultaneously bypasses any other calls for it in some elevators.
« Last Edit: October 01, 2013, 02:10:06 am by [DSG]Durandal »
"On a long enough time line, everyone's survival rate drops to zero." -- I am Jack's quote.

Astrowaves

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Re: A laugh for today
« Reply #21 on: October 01, 2013, 11:11:23 am »
The eight wonder of the world: Durandal the keeper of knowledge.
It is better to step on your nade "accidently" than to let it blow up in your hand.

iPWN

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Re: A laugh for today
« Reply #22 on: October 01, 2013, 01:47:09 pm »
^^   :D